A quick quote

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A BREAKDOWN TO HAVE A BREAKTHROUGH.


I was given this quote, like hundreds of others, at that moment in time when you don't think anyone is listening and then.........boom someone gives you food for thought. 
I guess it has many meanings so use it anyway you wish.

Looking For Love part 1 (mini update)

Yesterday I talked about trying to find love again after a very long time in 'the wilderness of grief'. 
Well after my neighbor ( said hunky 29 yr old Italian and his mate made me feel pretty stupid -  all because i commented favorably on mates pants looking g8 on him - )there was a brief change in things this morning. 
Said hunky neighbor actually apologised for his own stupidness in thinking my brother was my boyfriend.  So taken aback by this I fumbled for , even, two uselful words but alas nothing came forth to my lips. So there we stood in a very awkward moment before i took flight and went back in the house.
Ohh well if only i was witty and able to say something clever. 
Instead of having to think all my conversations through. 
Ohh well I will keep on window shopping.

Looking For Love part 1...

Okay its now middle of May, in another, year of what now seems like far too many years looking for love.
Well its only , well not quite three years, since i lost my last love BUT that seems sooo long ago .
Yep I still love him and my heart was totally shattered like one of those asteroids blown up in space themed movies. BUT he is no longer here and i am still young'ish. 
I semed to have now woken up from all of that heartache and began to notice things AGAIN
Thus I have begun to notice all the great looking guys in my neighborhood and wider community, even been doing those public group things like the gym, night classes, interest groups etc. etc. etc. I just cannot quite crack that mysterious thing that makes me 'hook up' or just able to talk to another guy on a more intimate level than'Excuse me, sorry about that, hello, nice day, did you want to go before me in the supermarket queue (- as so i can continue to check out your fantastic looking butt in those blue denims) etc etc.
I am sure everyone out there knows those conversations.
So when I bluntly told that ohh so hot looking guy, who just happened to be talking to my next door neighbor (the one who is also ever so hot and 29 italian good famliy etc. and would not date me 'cos i am not one of them) that I actually thought he was kinda cute and hope his girlfriend / wife ( just fishing to see if single) appreciated that he looked good.  Well not quite like that but something similar.   All he did was laugh, not an embarassing laugh but a genuine 'that was kinda funny in a lucille ball kinda way' laugh.  You know that sort of laugh that says so much like ..."You gotta be kiddin'."
Yes I did feel very foolish at my apparent faux pas.  As for said other gorgeous guy ( neighbor boy) he just had a look of bemusment on his face and then followed it up with " what does your boyfriend think?"
"what boyfriend?" i countered
and then it slowly dawned on me he thought, well they all think the guy i am sharing a house with is my boyfriend. Boy talk about not taking much notice of your neighbors.
The said guy they were asking about is actually my younger brother and his girlfriend.
"i don't have a guy in my life" i ventured "except for my brother, who i share this house with"
DOhhh was the reaction, from both of them.
 So back to me telling both the hunks nxt door what I thought of them. It made me feel like a complete desperate idiot BUT....................I hope the first guy is available has a think about it and asks me out because I definetly won't say no.
I will even double date with you and the neighbor and his current girlfriend if thats what it takes.
So the question left begging is am I doing this the right way or has time gone by soo much that i am totally the wrong generation or wrong everything to begin again.  May be i should be like my neighbors grandmother , who lost her husband 37 years ago and has never seen anyone else since. 
Although I really don't feel like wearing widows black for the rest of my life.

Mothers day

Two days ago it was Mothers Day, all around  Australia, and on that day the biggest charity event takes place.  It is a fun run or walk of either 8km or 4kms.
It is held in Melbourne in and around the Botanical gradens.
In the meanwhile In the regional city of Geelong  this event also took place.
 I entered the 8km fun run.  Yes me run. ha ha ha ha or LOL as the facebook kids say.
So for the last ten weeks I have been worrking toward this.
On the day I was nervous and nearly decide to just walk it, as walking is as equally good for you.

So with aprx. 2000 other people I joined the crowd for the event.  It began in the picturesque Eastern Beach area and lead up and around the boulevard toward the botanical gardens.

As we all slowly shuffled off trying to find our own rhythm people jostled and shoved as the crowd strung out for the first km.
My Ipod was on low but it seemed to work.
By km 3 i was doubting why the hell i was doing this.
By km 4 I looked - really looked around me. Looked at the sea of pink shirts, women of all shapes and sizes, children and a few husbands ( men folk) all huffing and puffing trying to reason to themselves why it was they, too, were there.

This event is mainly for the Breast Cancer Charities who were lead by the (now deceased ) Jane Mc grath to raise awareness for this disease.  Apparently 1 in 3 women will be affected by it here in australia.
That means that I will be a cancer statistic or know someone who is.  And I do.
 I have worked with six women who were in varying stages of this and my fathers2nd wife had a bout of it.

Eighteen months ago my mother developed terminal brain cancer and has somehow surived past all the statistics in excess of eight months now.
So this event was about other people who had cancer of other types.
So at km 6 i began to realise that we are not alone in fighting this disease but all the other cancers.
I was a little sad that none of my immediate family were there to see me actaully achieve this but hey that is nothing new.
After enjoying a brief walk , okay aprx. one km walk, I saw some of the reasons why everyone was doing this.
As the light rain became heavier and none of us seemed to mind, one bit about the fact that we were getting wet and cold, from the southerly wind blowing.
At the finish I actually cried not only did I achieve something but after a couple of - lets say pretty depressing, grief filled (my partner rob died in oct 2008) and painful years I managed to think about total strangers and what they may have gone through, also.
Yes the scenery was good to look at also.
Okay my family weren't there, nor was the photographer who had been taking everyones' pictures earlier but the spirit of rob was and LIFE itself waited patiently for me on the other side the timing mat.
So it was a great Mothers Day i completed the course in aprx. 83 minutes; no Boston Marathon or fast type time but I finished.
Bring on the next challenge.

So thank You : the Fragapane, Faranda, Delios and Christou families who allowed me to walk and run around their various vegetable market gardens, as so I did n't need to be on the roads getting potentially run down by the fast moving traffic in our area.
Thank You to Mark, Ben, Glen and Trevor who made want to live this life.
Thank You to : Kylie, Elton, Usher, Snoop, Rhianna, Chris B., Madonna, Mika, Van Halen, Steve tyler, brett from poison, Jimmy and the cold chisel boys, and all the other great musicians who are on my ipod and keep me going.
THANK YOU to all the wonderfull people who volunteer at these events.

I think I am now hooked on doing more.

I think I have just woke up

Today, whilst sitting on the cool slightly damp sand, at the nearby beach I suddenly noticed..... No not the calm blue water, the small fishing craft floating way off toward the horizon nor the large container ships sitting sedentarily in the bay waiting to go into the docks.
No I noticed the slightly buffed tall man with short dark brown hair walking his what looked like an airedale terrier. 
Was it the way his dark blue t shirt sat on his torso or his light blue casual style jeans sat on what looked like quite firm butt cheeks or just the mysteriousness of him.  For it was the middle of a work day and he definetly had that tradie look about him.
Since when did I suddenly notice the men around me???
I mean its not that I haven't been looking in the past twelve + months since rob died but suddenly today they were everywhere i went.  You know HOT guys.
Sure there were the ubiquitous 'cuddly' guys at the local hardware store and the definitely married guys with bay on hip or holding a childs hand or even being nagged, lightly , by said wife/ partner.BUT today I actually noticed gorgeous guys.
So why of all a sudden has this epipthany occurred?
Did the universe suddenly decide that enough was enough and time I actually got 'with the program' and began looking seriously for a new mate?
Or has my heart finally mended, as far as it gets mended, and it decided there is actual room in there for some loving?
I am still young, relatively attractive, "bubbly" as my neighbor put it last saturday  - also asking why I was alone?  No he was happily married but he and his wife had wondered why there was no one significant in my life.   So I guess they, too were trying to help me with this change.  It probably did not help when I mentioned that I thought their younger son (29) was an attractive man and why wasn't he already taken? For they are Italians and usually they are married by that age and procreating.

I am not ready to be truly alone for the rest of my life, and going by current average age of my elders that is easily another 50 + years to go, nor am i ready to 'get a cat etc' ( sorry to cat and dog lovers out there)
So how come I have really noticed how many drop dead gorgeous guys are actually around?
How do I now get over my introversion, lack of socialisation skills, low self confidence and get a date with one of these "Hot Guys"?

just cos'

thought you would like the laugh at the ambiguity of words

Letting Love go.

Here is a short story I wrote about the loss of my one true love.
............................................................................................................................................................

It was now fourteen months, and one week, after her birthday later.  Louise was still miserable, heartbroken, depressed and just aching.  The birthday passed in a deep, depression and mindless sleep filled with dreams and conversations with Rob.  She was still grieving him.  Still, truly heartbroken.  In October, of the past year, He had ended their relationship.   Taking, all that Louise, thought she knew about him away from her.  At first there had been signs, little inconsequential signs – well, what she, now knew, and thought were inconsequential, over a period of months maybe a year beforehand.  Upon reflection they, the        inconsequential signs, had began, around the time, his father was, diagnosed with (terminal) prostate cancer.  The tired harried expressions, the angry impatient outbursts with her and others that ‘GOT IN’ the way.  Many would call it ‘snappiness.’ The constant asking about when and/or where they were all coming and/or going. The Long hours spent at work or on the computer.   He then began to spend more and more time, away from her.  She suspected with somebody else.    This restlessness and, the newly developed, eating habits should have set off warning alarms.   For a person who was so health conscious he began to eat ‘Junk food’ for, nearly every meal.   But no, Louise had ignored them because she too, was adversely, affected by the older mans prognosis.           

A black dog had invaded their lives; and it needed to be fed.

For, Louise had been actually sick with heartbreak and rejection. Recalling the shock and the denial of what went, so horribly, wrong.  The refusal to acknowledge the fact he was gone from her life.  Who was that person who stood there and had to tell family and friends?   Apparently it was her but it still seemed like another person altogether.   Over this time, she still talked to him because his presence was there.  Unfortunately not providing any answers to all the questions left - unanswered.  Then Louise’s’ mind became so dull, foggy and blank - oh so blank! 

Remembering, how at work she became very robotic just functioning on autopilot.  There were numerous times, Louise would crave an ‘empty mind.’  The heart became heavy, full of lead and dark with despair.  Every other part of her being was lethargic.  Nothing would function the way it should.   It was all, so tiring yet sleep did not come easily. Finally, waking, most mornings; feeling as though she had just shut her eyes.  Memories, of happier times, would flood back in and the grief began all over again.  

As Bruce Springsteen, so eloquently, sang on that album dedicated to the tragedy of 9/11.  “...everything is everything but you’re missing... pictures on the nightstand, TV is on... you’re house is waiting...you’re missing when I shut out the light....  “...Too much room in my bed ... too many phone calls to say how everything is everything... but you’re missing...”    

Then there were all those platitudes, from well meaning people “one day at a time’ “have a little patience” Ironically Rob would say that to her, when Louise became frustrated with work or life in general.  The people who had said these things where were they now?

**************************************************************************

Louise would remember how, as she got closer to the mountain there was a sense of nervous, fearful excitement, anticipation which rose, gradually in her soul.  Recalling, how she stopped at the side of the road and inhaling slowly, deeply as looking up at the mountain.   By starting the journey, this time, Louise knew Rob would be there waiting, patiently, for her.  For this was where they were both ‘at home.’  

The feeling of excitement was hard to repress.  She felt like a little kid who was doing something that they shouldn’t.   Her heart and mind waged battle with each other. One saying ‘...Turn back now...’ the other just that little bit stronger ‘keep moving forward it is too far to turn back now....’ ‘You’re here now, so, just do this.’ Somewhere in her soul - life struggled to emerge from under the grief and misery. It was just after leaving Mansfield that Louise had decided to stop.   As she, pulled the car onto the grass verge by the roadside.   Narrowly, avoiding, some, semi large rocks in the culvert.  The first thing she noticed was the heat shimmer.  The whole view before her seemed to be melting.  On a nearby crooked fence, post sat a large old black crow. With its lucent, black eyes, staring suspiciously at her.  Was this some type of omen of what was to come?  For, some people believed that crows were harbingers of bad news.  Pushing, the new sunglasses back on to her head.    The eyes adjusted to the glare.    As they, began to, hurt from the intensity of the sunshine.   Hurriedly, Louise pulled the sunglasses back over her eyes to shade them from this brilliance.   Even her shirt had a light coat of sweat under the arms. Was that the excitement or just the dry heat? Hypnotically her breathing slowed as though her whole body realised that it had left the city far behind and, as of now, switching to country ‘time’. The tension, always, and ever present in her neck and shoulders, seemed to, also, begin to subside.   There had been a couple of other attempts at this journey but this time it was no dress       rehearsal; it was for real and happening.  For there it was; right in front of Louise - the mountains or the High Country, according to folklore, legends and tourism campaigns.  The mountains’ altitude stretched and soared blocking the far eastern horizon. The dark charcoal tipped peaks looked as though somebody had cut them out and stuck them against an azure blue sky. Their rounded peaks hid its deep cragged fern filled vales, waterfalls, creeks and rocky slopes covered in a myriad of heaths, ferns and blackberries.    Its intense beauty and fearful enormity threw off an air of mystery. Shrouded in varying shades of blue, grey and purple, towering eucalypts, red gums, and mountain ash sent off a bruised blue like vapour that resembled smoke from a fire to the untrained eye.  The sun moved, hurriedly, across the range. A stray, puffy cumulus cloud hung, in the sky like a child’s drawing, just stuck there all haphazardly.   The, everlasting, drought still had a stranglehold on everything.  The air was sultry, stifling, and it was hard to catch your breath without feeling the earthy heat burn the back of your throat.  The paddocks were that scorched golden brown, bought on by many years of drought.   A half dozen, dirty brown, in color, sheep grazed slowly on what little grass had survived. Heads down, trying not to look around too far abreast in case the world had changed.  Even they were exhausted from the heat, continually, rising from the parched earth.  Grass, where growing, was wavering in the hot northerly wind; almost too exhausted to do anything else.  The grasses looked brittle, like pieces of toffee yet, somehow survived the environment where it grew.  The bitumen shimmered with a haze the belied the actually ambient temperature of the day.   Liquorice black in colour; it wound its way across the valley floor disappearing into the mountains.  It was, as though, somebody had taken a large black marker pen and drawn the way forward across the landscape.  Lazily more crows, white cockatoos and other bird life flew across the skyline. Where were they flying? Who knew?  Their wings flapped just enough to maintain flight against the white blue sky. Everywhere the countryside looked tired, as though it had given up on life.  It seemed exhausted by Mother Natures’ constant change of mind.

As the noise of a large semi trailer, rushing past shook her from her reverie; Louise began to notice the increased flow of traffic.   A marked police car cruised past heading back into the town. More and more traffic, like ants scurrying about prior to rain, drove past as they tried to get up the mountain before dark.  

With her mind winning the battle, Louise slowly turned the ignition over.  For Rob, would be waiting for her, patiently; safe in the knowledge she would be turn up – this time.  Checking the rear view mirror began to pull out onto this dark shimmering road, which snaked across the flat valley floor leading into the dark green forest. This was the magical entry point of the mountains.   As the drought, ravaged paddocks gave way to the green trees of a differing geography. The road became   narrow and there seemed to be even more traffic, all trying to get to the one destination- the summit of that valley;  the crown of the High country – Mount Buller.

*************************************************************************

In the semi darkness of that first night, home, the alarm went off at 4:30 am; it was just like getting up for swim training. Outside the window, the sky was deep black with no noticeable moonlight.   Louise couldn’t believe how her senses seemed, suddenly, very alive and heightened. Although her heart was still full of despair and hurt, it began to tenaciously, and stubbornly prepare itself for further physical pain.  For he was here and waiting.   

It was this thought, of actually seeing him again, that made her heart struggle into ‘fight or flight’ mode

She hastily pulled on a pair of warm hiking socks, boots, jeans and shirt; shrugging on her, lucky charm and (old) familiar purple snow ski jacket.  Thank god, she had thrown that into the car.  It was hard to believe it really was the middle of summer not winter.  That is what always drew her to the mountains the unpredictability of the weather.  Rob was waiting for her, just outside the lodge door.   She quietly slipped out one of the side doors, of the lodge to join him. The rocks, crunched under her (new) Colorado hiking boots.

The night sky had a light mistiness.  At ground level, everything was damp with the cold night air; the grass tingled with the dew. In the distance there were three other people walking     toward the summit.  With their heads bowed reverently against the chilly air and hands buried deep in their pockets, she could hear the light crunch of rocks under foot.      

Otherwise, there was no other sound.  Rob was a few steps in front of her, leading the way to the summit.   All was very serenely peaceful.

Burying her cold fingers into the pockets, Louise cursed that she hadn’t bought any gloves with her.  Letting her eyes adjust to the moonless sky, which took a little too long, she tripped over a rock, bruising her ankle in the process. Cursing her stupidity, Louise quickly apologised aloud – to who she was not sure.  Striding forward far too quickly Louise began to feel exhausted from the thin, high altitude air.   Breathing deeply, trying to catch her breath.   Her breath, upon exhale, hung in the air, foggy like.  Then there at the summit, all was so silent.  Locating a small nook in the rocky outcrop, Louise sat down, pulling her jacket whole body to stay warm and dry.   Rob just stood there, silently, looking at the far horizon.  Then it began – her breathing became slower and, more, meditative like.  Emotionally, her soul, and its’ aches, gradually unravelled and embraced something magical.  Swooping, soaring, struggling for flight like a fledgling baby eagle finding flight for the first ever time.  Her soul and spirit came alive in this whole new world.  It was neither that or any other moment in this journey, which she could pinpoint but she definitely, now, felt like she was home.  For, it was in these early hours, of the day, coral pink slivers, of light, peeped from the horizon.  When deep tree filled, valleys shrouded, mysteriously, in thick cloud and light fog.  Like a child, safely tucked up and snuggled comfortably in bed, dreaming indulgently. The sun energetically burst over the eastern horizon; like a loud annoying alarm clock.  It becomes large, bright red and yellow with ferocious, erratic edges, that herald with tremendous force and gusto a new day.  As the sun blazed into day, the clouds and fog began to dissipate from the trees as if a petulant child flings off the bed sheets and bounces out of bed. Currawongs and magpies begin to herald the day in joyful song.   Atop the mountain, a light breeze blows in from the southwest, which moves playfully across the grasses, wrapping itself around each blade drying up the morning dew.  Revitalizing its’ life, again.  The breeze rushes lightly through the trees, caressing their branches, and leaf tips, like a lover.  As the sun and wind tussled with each other Louise’s’ first morning, home, on the mountain   began.

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 The new day dawned- silent, reverent and ethereally magical.   It, entwined itself around her body; like a deliciously warm soothing bear hug.   Tears, salty and damp rolled out the      corners of her eyes and down her face; like tiny rivulets of slow falling rain.  The dull and foggy brain suddenly flung its doors and windows open to savour the beginning of (a new) day.  Soaking up the, ever, brightening sunlight, like leaves unfurling on a tree after a long, lingering winter hibernating.  Emotion, and senses, began to swim and swirl throughout her whole body. 

Slowly, and cautiously, Louise arose from where she had sat. Rob held out his arms and she let them hold her strongly once more.   Rob looked deeply into, the souls of, her eyes,       cupping her face in his warm, strong hands; he tenderly kissed her cold lips, warming them with deep unabiding passion.  As, her heart began to pumped warm, fresh, blood full of hope and love throughout her body, mind and soul.    It cursed throughout her whole being exploding throughout her mind and heart.    His face lit up as that ‘I love you’ smile spread across it.  He, then, softly said those words, with unconditional depth and meaning “Have patience Louise.  I will always love you. ”With his thumb and forefinger, he wiped her drying tears from her glowing red cheeks.

 Rob let his arms run down across her whole body committing it to memory.  Stepping back, from her presence, he took hold of the lead on the black dog - which had sat nearby diligent and patiently.   They walked away into the blinding sunshine.